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Author: Huinárë
Title: Will you not come down? We’ve got your pipeweed!
Rating: PG-ish for numerous allusions to substance (ab?)use.
Theme: Potluck (now serving Merrie Month of May).
Elements: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Beta: Not as such.
Author's Notes: Alludes to an incident in Unfinished Tales, “The Hunt of the Ring” narrative C.
Summary: Humor. The Voice of Saruman revisited, beginning with the added element of every wizard’s poison of choice.
Word Count: 865

Will you not come down? We’ve got your pipeweed!

I don’t know what you’re talking about. I know nothing of this ‘pipeweed.’ Never once have I sat, brooding and haunted, in a haze of smoke, following a terrible discussion with the dark power in the east via palantiri. Nor do I own a palantír. These kinds of things do not happen in Angrenost.

Do you wish to know what does happen in Angrenost? Betimes, noisome wanderers who think it’s endearing to wear the same ghastly hat for seventeen centuries come barging in on their high horses, brandishing their insufferable moralizing and their unsolicited opinions about colors. Later on, perhaps overstuffed Eagles leave their prodigious avian blessings upon my lawn. Then, in the event that I am not enough beleaguered already, maybe a rowdy gang of wild wood-demons come tearing down my austere granite walls, flooding my state-of-the-art workshops, and using my beloved Orthanc as a scratching-post. In other words, IT’S ACTUALLY VERY BORING AROUND HERE.

…I am completely in control of this situation. I am counting to ten in Valarin and breathing regularly. I am not willing to give a limb for a pouch of good pipeweed right about now, because I know nothing of such things…

What do you mean, Isengard has proved less strong than my hope and fancy made it? You are trying to say it was unreasonable of me to think it probable that a hitherto impenetrable citadel would withstand an assault by any of my known enemies? YOU were obviously smoking way too much of that pipeweed when we sang Logic into being all those eons ago. Isengard did not prove less strong, outside forces proved more strong. Who knew they could tear down stone?! They could have done the same to your precious Helm’s Deep, had they been of a mind to.

You want to know–what? Whether I meant ‘a demon which happens to come from the wild wood’ or ‘a wild demon which happens to come from the wood?’ I am trying to have a serious, legitimate discussion here, and you’re splitting hairs? Figure it out yourself, since you seem to think you know everything. And no, I shan’t retract the statement, and I care not if you are insulted on behalf of your allies, and in fact I shall go so far as to repeat myself.


…Serenity now. I hear opiates are good for that. Not that I would know, mind…

You do not wish to hurt me, truly? Are you trying to secure my demise by causing me to choke on my own vomit? Your proffered charity makes me want to hurl. Because it is either a bald-faced lie, or an irrational load of sentimental rubbish, you dotard! And no, I don’t care to reminisce about how we used to get drunk together at parties in Valimar, because such things do not concern me and I remember nothing of them.

I beg your pardon? Did I not just hear you make the most condescending, insulting offer anyone has ever dared voice on my doorstep? You want me to forsake all access to my tower, my workshops, my library, and my staff? HOW exactly is that ‘free?’

Oh, I know, you wish me to wander about as a penitent for your cause, SINGING FREAKING KUMBAYA EVERYWHERE I GO no doubt, while you sit here in Orthanc JUGGLING CROWNS AND BOOTS AND RODS AND PROBABLY THE BLOODY KEYS OF BARAD-DÛR ITSELF.

…Well, at least I still have my pride. Though I’d trade it in a heartbeat for a bottle of absinthe. If I knew of such things, that is…

Do you wish to know what the ironic part of this is? I would have gone along with this awful suggestion of yours, if you had not BROUGHT ALL THESE LOWLIFES ALONG to witness my humiliation. Why do you think I wanted you to come up? So that the image of these CIRCUS FREAKS pointing and laughing at my concession need not to be seared into my mind for the rest of my existence. I do hope you realize you’d have gotten precisely what you now want, if you had just stayed on the roof of Orthanc for a half hour longer. There were Nazgûl at my gates, and they were scary, and I thought perhaps it was the best policy to repent of–well, my point is, too little too late!

Obviously, you do NOT understand me one jot if you thought that bringing this whole sideshow along with you would render me anything but intractable. So I’ll thank you to TAKE YOUR CLAIMS OF ‘UNDERSTANDING ME NOW TOO WELL’ and INTRODUCE THEM TO YOUR DIGESTIVE TRACT FROM THE WRONG END. GOOD DAY!

…Make that chloroform, I need a good long nap…

Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Was that really necessary? I worked very hard on that staff, you know, wrought it myself and imbued it with much of my native power before they jammed us into these wretched Man-forms and shipped us off to Mithlond.

…Methinks it’s finally time to break the hallucinogenic millipede out of the specimen jar…


( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 17th, 2012 12:54 am (UTC)
Oh, no, not the hallucinogenic millipede! Not that I know of such things, of course. LOL! Thanks for the laughs. Often wondered about Saruman's side of things.

Edited at 2012-01-17 12:55 am (UTC)
Jan. 20th, 2012 01:37 am (UTC)
Thanks for reading! Glad I could provide some amusement.
Jan. 17th, 2012 02:45 am (UTC)
noisome wanderers who think it’s endearing to wear the same ghastly hat for seventeen centuries come barging in on their high horses, brandishing their insufferable moralizing and their unsolicited opinions about colors.

OMG, how wonderfully precise and scathingly accurate. Slings and arrows and all that stuff.

And then you come out with SINGING FREAKING KUMBAYA EVERYWHERE I GO no doubt and suddenly instead of just laughing at my desk, I was rolling on the floor. It's a good thing that the TV doesn't care if I am laughing like an idjit!

- Erulisse (one L)
Jan. 20th, 2012 01:39 am (UTC)
Hahah, I'm delighted it was the source of such mirth. Thanks. =D
Jan. 17th, 2012 02:53 am (UTC)
ROTFL! OK, this has got to be the funniest version of Saruman I've ever read! Not that I'd know anything about that...*gigglesnort*
Jan. 20th, 2012 01:39 am (UTC)
Thanks for reading, Dreamflower! =)
Jan. 17th, 2012 10:41 am (UTC)
I love that! Biting and funny and bitterly angry, as Saruman should be, especially at this point of his career. I hope the hallucinogenic millepede was some comfort to him.
Jan. 20th, 2012 01:42 am (UTC)
Thanks, Clodia!

I daresay the millipede was a great temporary comfort, if this documentary snippet depicting lemurs getting high off millipedes is any indication: ...
For added amusement, picture Saruman sitting atop Orthanc with the drooling, glazed-over look of these lemurs..

Jan. 20th, 2012 11:09 am (UTC)
Oh wow. You know, I never thought I'd feel sorry for a millipede...
Jan. 17th, 2012 05:21 pm (UTC)
Personally, I have compassion for the millipede--being sacrificed to alleviate the sufferings of this sodding character! Too funny! Very well done! Thanks for the laughs. And I, too, love the thoughts on the hat, and I still love that the movie version of that hat dwelt in a garbage can between shots like a pale Oscar the Grouch!
Jan. 20th, 2012 01:44 am (UTC)
The millipede doesn't necessarily need to perish (if you don't mind watching millipedes, there's a diverting link in my reply to Clodia's comment above, to a Youtube of lemurs using millipedes for recreational purposes...)

Thanks for reading! And I did not know that about the hat (which I personally think is adorable, despite my friend Curunír's opinion to the contrary).
Jan. 17th, 2012 06:58 pm (UTC)
Hah, the unsolicited opinions about colours bit is what got to me. I like your Saruman.
Jan. 20th, 2012 01:45 am (UTC)
Thank you! Gandalf does seem to get awful uppity about colors. X)
Jan. 21st, 2012 12:15 am (UTC)
Most amusing!
Jan. 21st, 2012 06:29 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Linda!
Jan. 22nd, 2012 11:42 pm (UTC)
He may think he would fall in with Gandalf's suggestions if there were no witnesses, but I wouldn't trust him an inch.
I do sympathize with his nicotine withdrawal symptoms, though!
Jan. 23rd, 2012 12:52 am (UTC)
Certainly he's not to be trusted by, well, anyone at this point, though I do tend to think he may have been more amenable to Gandalf's suggestion with nobody else around to bear witness (if only to save his own hide). Not to mention, he knows Gandalf always had pipeweed.

Jan. 25th, 2012 11:06 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for the laughs on such a dreary morning. This was great.
Jan. 25th, 2012 08:36 pm (UTC)
Yay, this is why I like foraying into humor when I'm not doing brooding/drama...it's nice to provide people with a bit of amusement. Thank you for reading!
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )


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