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"Sauron applies for his job", by Himring

Author: Himring

Title: Sauron applies for his job

Rating: PG

Theme: "Laugh!" (funny poetry)

Elements: commendable/dependable

Author's Notes: Not entirely in verse. Sorry! (Also warnings for every kind of anachronism.)

Summary: Before the throne of Angband, Sauron makes his application for the job of lieutenant to Morgoth, the Dark Lord. For reasons unknown and unexplained (possibly just to make things appropriately hellishly difficult) the application has to be made in rhyme...

Word Count: 165 words



Sauron took a deep breath and began:
I’m able
and I’m capable.
My filing is impeccable.
I’m utterly dependable,
my loyalty unshakeable.
Admirable, commendable’, muttered Morgoth politely and yawned discreetly into his smoking black palm.

Sauron gulped and continued, rather desperately:
I’m variously artistic,
deliberately terroristic,
notoriously imperialistic,
often outright sadistic…
‘Now we’re getting somewhere’, said Morgoth and sat up straighter on his Dark Throne. ‘What about your private life, your hobbies and so on?’

Sauron panicked, as he hadn’t expected the question, and sputtered:
I have a thing
for bling,
any sparkly things,
mostly rings…
I do cosplay and LARPing.
You haven’t seen anything
till you’ve seen my vampire bat, blood dripping…
‘A Maia after my own heart,’ cried out Morgoth enthusiastically, jumped from the Dark Throne and enfolded Sauron in a fana-crushing hug.

In a small voice, Sauron admitted:
‘But I’m a lousy poet. I had to invent a whole new language just to get the words of that bloody inscription to rhyme…’

Comments

( 25 comments — Leave a comment )
baranduin
Apr. 24th, 2014 02:43 am (UTC)
Ih that was so clever! And with the perfect ending.
hhimring
Apr. 24th, 2014 11:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
The ending is a terrible anachronism, of course, but I couldn't resist it.
dreamflower02
Apr. 24th, 2014 03:24 am (UTC)
BWAHAHAHA! Oh mercy me!

I do cosplay and LARPing.

What an image! *imagines Sauron at a con in his Loki costume*
hhimring
Apr. 24th, 2014 11:19 pm (UTC)
I think a Loki costume would suit Sauron really well, actually!
Thank you!
lindahoyland
Apr. 24th, 2014 03:37 am (UTC)
Great fun!
hhimring
Apr. 24th, 2014 11:19 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much, Linda!
huinare
Apr. 24th, 2014 04:27 am (UTC)
Ahaha!

‘But I’m a lousy poet. I had to invent a whole new language just to get the words of that bloody inscription to rhyme…’

*inordinately amused*
hhimring
Apr. 24th, 2014 11:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
I was thinking of you, of course--this being the first time I've written about Sauron--and was hoping you might find something to enjoy in it.
huinare
Apr. 25th, 2014 01:02 am (UTC)
=D There were quite a few responses to this challenge that drew me forth from my lair to comment. Also, I got a kick out of this part:
‘I’m variously artistic,
deliberately terroristic,
notoriously imperialistic,
often outright sadistic…’
clodia_metelli
Apr. 24th, 2014 07:56 am (UTC)
This is fantastic. <3
hhimring
Apr. 24th, 2014 11:23 pm (UTC)
Happy to hear you enjoyed it!
engarian
Apr. 24th, 2014 02:52 pm (UTC)
I can just see Sauron doing cosplay! Great!

- Erulisse (one L)
hhimring
Apr. 24th, 2014 11:24 pm (UTC)
Sauron does seem to enjoy disguises and dressing up, doesn't he?
Thank you very much, Erulisse!
moetushie
Apr. 25th, 2014 01:11 am (UTC)
Bravo, Sauron, bravo!
hhimring
Apr. 26th, 2014 09:22 am (UTC)
Thank you!
Sauron's having a few sticky moments here, but in the end his efforts are crowned by success!
blslarner
Apr. 25th, 2014 07:22 am (UTC)
Oh, yes, this has me chortling! Love it! And that's how the Dark Speech got started, eh? Delightful!
hhimring
Apr. 26th, 2014 09:27 am (UTC)
Thank you! So glad you enjoyed it!
We are told there wasn't much uptake of the Black Speech in general use, you know, so maybe that wasn't its real purpose even to begin with...
petite_dilly
Apr. 25th, 2014 11:39 am (UTC)
Mwah ah ah, it could be a scene from a disney movie !
hhimring
Apr. 26th, 2014 09:31 am (UTC)
Thank you!
Yes, in a Disney movie Sauron's lines would be sung, I guess--and probably very quickly, especially towards the end!
marta_bee
Apr. 25th, 2014 07:26 pm (UTC)
Oh, that was gloriously done. It reminds me vaguely of something you'd see in "South Pacific" or some such. For me that actually is a compliment...
hhimring
Apr. 26th, 2014 09:33 am (UTC)
Thank you very much, Marta! So glad you enjoyed this. I'm afraid I happen, coincidentally, never to have seen "South Pacific", but I'm very happy to take it as a compliment!
bratfarrar
Apr. 28th, 2014 11:48 pm (UTC)
Ha!
hhimring
May. 1st, 2014 08:17 am (UTC)
Thank you!
virtuella
Apr. 30th, 2014 05:54 am (UTC)
Love it! Very funny!
hhimring
May. 1st, 2014 08:14 am (UTC)
Thank you very much, Virtuella!
Glad you enjoyed it!
( 25 comments — Leave a comment )

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