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The Darkest Lord, by Rhymer

The title is The Darkest Lord, and Rhymer (me) did author it.
(This header, see, is all in verse: I don't know why I thought o' it!)
The rating is PG, and April's theme is verse of merriment:
Participants were sent a pair of rhyming words, their element:
Pontificate was one of mine, the other was participate.
The notes (in verse) are at the end: I'll leave you to anticipate.
The summary: Lord Sauron sings about his deeds nefarious,
The word count is six hundred words, a few, I hope, hilarious.



The Darkest Lord

I am the very model of the fantasy antagonist:
The Dark Lord who would rule the world, if not for the protagonist.
Young Voldemort and Palpatine et al are merely wannabes:
They'd love to be Dark Lordiest, but none of them are gonna be.
To try to make comparisons would surely be invidious:
My stronghold's clearly strongest and my minions are most hideous;
My résumé reveals a tale of darkness verifiable,
My mastery of misery and dread is undeniable.

I started as a minion, but a minion very eminent;
The right-hand man of Melkor, I waged war on light and merriment,
And when it came to handicrafts, I found my true proclivity:
I prodded elves in dungeons vile. Hey presto! Orcs' nativity!
Then Melkor took the Silmarils; the Noldor were aggrieved by it,
And irked and vexed and miffed and riled and generally peeved by it.
The tale that follows on from this is hardly Vaudevillian:
Everybody dies, in short - just read The Silmarillion!

At times I was a werewolf vile, the fiercest and the mightiest;
And other times, a vampire bat, the creepiest and bitiest.
A shape-shifter, I had a form that was completely mutable,
But usually I made myself look swoon-worthy and beautiful.
Thus Celebrimbor heeded me with very little questioning,
And crafted loads of special rings, in line with my suggestioning,
But - bwa-ha-ha-ha! - secretly I always meant to fool 'em all…
I made a super-special Ring in Mordor that would rule 'em all.

My plot to dominate the world initially was glorious,
But then Men came from Númenor, unstoppably victorious,
And so I bowed my head to them and feigned to be surrendering,
And went in chains to Númenor… of course I was pretend-ering!
With whispered lies, I cast my nets, ensnaring almost all of 'em,
I pointed West and sent them forth, and engineered the fall of 'em,
But godly intervention isn't prone to being lenient…
My pretty body drownded in the Wave - most inconvenient!

Elendil and his pesky sons 'gainst me they did pontificate,
We went to war, but then the elves came marching to participate.
The good news: Yay! I slew them both, Elendil and the elfy king.
The bad: I lost my Ring, my host, my finger, and, well, everything.
And insult adds to injury: I ceased to be corporeal,
I slunk away to Mirkwood and spent half an Age arboreal,
But after many years had passed, from thence I turned and rabbited…
And came once more to Mordor which I promptly reinhabited.

So here I am, the Darkest Lord, in Barad-dûr I'm hid again,
With sinister home furnishings, all pointy and obsidian,
Where ash and desolation are the limits of my scenery:
I have a live volcano there, in place of garden greenery.
There is no beauty in my realm, nor anything that's jocular,
I loom atop my citadel, a giant, blazing ocular,
And everybody hates me, but at least I'm not anonymous…
Tolkien named a book for me, his Lord of Rings eponymous.

And now my time has come at last, my triumph's inescapable!
I look into my Palantír with confidence unshakable!
Elendil's heir has found the Ring; he's riding forth to battle me!
His hubris is so laughable; his armies cannot rattle me.
I'll crush them and I'll slay him and the Ring will be my own again!
I'll wear it on my finger (er, miraculously grown again)
I'll… oh, what's that? What's happening? My Ring has gone! I needed it!
The clue was in the second line: I guess I should have heeded it!

__

Note:

This filk of mine is modelled on The Modern Major General
By Gilbert and by Sullivan, though mine is more ephemeral,
While theirs will live forever as a testament to genius,
While mine is full of dodgy verse, with rhymes that are quite hein-i-ous.
I hope that fans of Tolkien won't denounce it as heretical:
I only wrote what I was told: a comedy, poetical,
So if you liked it, send me flowers... or comments, in the lieu of them,
I'll answer all of them in verse!*

* More likely, just a few of them.

Comments

( 26 comments — Leave a comment )
shirebound
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:22 am (UTC)
A header in verse! I suspect that's the first of its (delightful) kind.

This is marvelous. I'm all a-grin.
rhymer23
Apr. 24th, 2014 04:30 pm (UTC)
The header was the hardest part - near drove me to profanity!
"I can't believe I started this!" I cried. "It is insanity!"
I'm glad you found it marvellous, and thanks so much for writing:
Getting readers' comments never fails to be exciting!
baranduin
Apr. 24th, 2014 02:50 am (UTC)
This made me grin like a grinning thing! Masterful! Hilarious! Just so much fun. Well done.

And I followed your directions, looking back at the second line when told to. Oh, right ...

rhymer23
Apr. 24th, 2014 04:46 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for commenting!
I'm glad it left you grinning.
Sauron failed to heed that hint
I gave at the beginning,
And so his plans all came to naught,
And Evil was defeated,
The goodies won - hip hip hooray!
And now this rhyme's completed.
lindahoyland
Apr. 24th, 2014 03:12 am (UTC)
I just adored this clever rhyme
rhymer23
Apr. 24th, 2014 04:55 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for commenting
I'm grateful for your time,
And very pleased to hear you liked
My rather silly rhyme!
dreamflower02
Apr. 24th, 2014 03:16 am (UTC)
This poem is so funny it has made me quite hysterical;
You've used literary devices quite humorous and satirical
to give to us a filk that is both catchy and hilarious
from a story that, let's face it, can be quite grim and ponderous.
I think your verse is a real hoot and that you should take a bow,
and I'll close my comments because, alas, I can't think up anymore rhymes now!
rhymer23
Apr. 24th, 2014 05:12 pm (UTC)
Thank you for your comment, which is written all in rhyme.
Thanks so much for doing that: I'm grateful for your time!
And now I am replying - in verse, just as I said...
I really should stop doing this, and write in prose instead!
dreamflower02
Apr. 24th, 2014 09:40 pm (UTC)
Perhaps you are descended from another rhyming fellow,
Whose jacket was blue and whose boots were yellow?
Though you shouldn't worry unless you end everything-o
With a hey-dol derry-dol fal-lal-a-ding-o!
huinare
Apr. 24th, 2014 04:10 am (UTC)
Ah! Sinister, pointy, obsidian home furnishings!

This was terribly clever, and the meter is impeccable.
rhymer23
Apr. 24th, 2014 05:24 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for commenting!
I'm glad you liked my versing.
I'm pleased it caused you happiness
(I feared 'twould lead to cursing!)
engarian
Apr. 24th, 2014 02:44 pm (UTC)
I'm suddenly so happy that I didn't go the way I was originally going to, which was to use Gilbert and Sullivan as my framework for my own rhyme. You did a far superior verse than I ever would have constructed, and it was a total joy to read.

- Erulisse (one L)
rhymer23
Apr. 24th, 2014 05:39 pm (UTC)
What a strange coincidence!
Great minds think alike!
Inspiration's curious:
Who knows when it will strike?
I doubt that Mr Gilbert,
Laying down his pen,
Thought he'd prompt some fannish verse
A century from then!
elenbarathi
Apr. 24th, 2014 09:42 pm (UTC)
Haha, this totally rocks! Well done indeed!!
rhymer23
Apr. 25th, 2014 01:41 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for commenting!
I'm glad you thought it rocked,
I'm thrilled it made you say, "haha,"
Instead of being shocked.
elenbarathi
Apr. 25th, 2014 06:29 pm (UTC)
This Elven bard does humbly ask
Permission of the Poet
To sing this all around the Realms
That other folk might know it?
rhymer23
Apr. 25th, 2014 06:56 pm (UTC)
Certainly, oh Elven bard,
I grant you my consent.
Sing it wheresoe'er you will:
I happily assent!
hhimring
Apr. 24th, 2014 11:31 pm (UTC)
Brilliant! Sending you bunches of (virtual) flowers!
rhymer23
Apr. 25th, 2014 01:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the (virtual) flowers:
Their (virtual) smell's so sweet,
Their (virtual) hue's my favourite,
They're such a (virtual) treat!
wheelrider
Apr. 25th, 2014 02:30 am (UTC)
Your rhymes I read and out loud said with ever-mounting gratitude;
Your skill is keen and I have seen you've no great need for latitude.
'Tis a dying skill to rhyme at will while keeping to a rhythm;
Modern poets do not know it -- past and now in schism!
I raise a drink and would like to think the Professor does the same;
And now you show what you surely know: how appropriate your name!
rhymer23
Apr. 25th, 2014 12:57 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for taking time to comment all in verse!
It's hard enough to find rhymes: add rhythm, and it's worse.
For two whole days, I wandered round, just staring into space,
Chasing down elusive rhymes, which vanished without trace,
And muttering beneath my breath, and scrawling down a word,
And then erasing it at once, because it seemed absurd.
And so I'm really thrilled and touched to get this great reply.
But now I've reached the final line, so I must stop. Goodbye!
blslarner
Apr. 25th, 2014 07:30 am (UTC)
I follow the lead of Edward Lear and Isaac Asimov, and you hare off after Gilbert and Sullivan! Most masterfully done! Love it!
rhymer23
Apr. 25th, 2014 01:39 pm (UTC)
I haven't read your poem yet - I haven't had much time,
And most of that's been taken up with answering in rhyme
(A rash and foolish promise, and I was quite mad to make it,
But even so, I am resolved that I will never break it.)
Asimov plus Edward Lear's a combo that's intriguing
(Though finding any rhyme for this is really quite fatiguing)
These classic authors from the past are certainly inspiring,
And writing a pastiche of them is fun, but sometimes tiring!
marta_bee
Apr. 25th, 2014 07:36 pm (UTC)
It should be illegal to laugh this hard. Seriously. This and hhimring's entry have me grinning from ear to ear.
rhymer23
Apr. 26th, 2014 07:49 am (UTC)
I'm glad to hear it made you laugh,
But if it were illegal,
The cops would watch for signs of mirth,
With eyes just like an eagle,
And lock us up in prison cold,
To stay for ever after...
So actually I'm glad there's not
A law 'gainst helpless laughter.
bratfarrar
Apr. 28th, 2014 11:46 pm (UTC)
Oh, well done!
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )

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